The Witching Hour

Note to self for The Witching Hour:

DO NOT GIVE IN!  IT IS NOT WORTH IT!

Remember how shitty you feel the morning after you drink.  Remember how many times you have said “Never Again!”.  Remember how scared you are that you have permanently screwed up your body & your mind.  Remember how drinking steals your life passion, your dreams, your happiness, your health, your money and your self-esteem.  Remember the despair, the shame, the regret, the fogginess, the nausea, the depression, the anxiety.  Remember that you never have to feel like that again.  Remember all the broken promises and all of the precious wasted time.  Remember that the craving passes, it is fleeting, it will be gone soon.

Remember that you like yourself so much better when you don’t drink.

Day 11 almost done 🙂

9 Days Ago

Hi…

Anyone still here?  I have been MIA.  For some reason today I felt the need to check on my blog that I started in May 2014.  I haven’t been active here at all.  I had forgotten my password and needed a reset so I could come here and say hi…and thank you.  I was quite blown away and touched by all the comments that people have made in my absence.  So – thank you 🙂  Really.  Thanks.

I’m on Day 9.  This is kind of a big deal for me.  I have not had a Day 9 since March 30th of last year.  Since I last posted, I’ve had too many Day 1’s and 2’s to count, a few Day 3’s, 4’s and 5’s, and I think I managed a Day 7 in there somewhere.  I’m not keen on going into all the depressing details but it was a rough ride.  My drinking – quantities and consequences – had escalated to a level that was creeping into a personal crisis zone, a “Do NOT Go There” level.

And so 9 days ago I told myself that I had had enough.  I’m tired of dousing my life with booze.  Tired of feeling like shit – everyday.  I woke up that morning with an acute desperation to change.  I don’t want to live every day with regret, shame, guilt and despair, in a perpetual hangover that clouds and pisses on every aspect of my body, mind, spirit and soul.  I’ve got shit to do, things to accomplish, goals to achieve, dreams to follow, places to see.  And drinking keeps me from doing anything at all.  It literally steals my life force from me.

9 days ago I started to change some things in my life and it seems to be working. Perhaps I’ll write about those things in another post.  But for now I just wanted to say hi and thank you.  I’m feeling pretty good on this ninth day of sobriety 🙂  I want to keep going.  Sober & Present.

I came across this quote a few days ago and it really spoke to me:

“A year from now you will wish you had started today.”

Word.

Note to self:  Don’t give up.

Chatter

When I wake up in the morning after imbibing too much, I swear off booze for good:

“That’s it!  No more drinking!  I’m done!  I will not drink tonight no matter what!!! No more of this shit!!!  I can’t do this anymore!  I’m wasting my life!  ENOUGH!!!”

And yet 5:00pm rolls around, I am walking home from work, and this is happening in my head:

“Whatever, it wasn’t really that bad last night was it? The morning was rough but I’m feeling just fine now…I’ve had a difficult day at work, time to relax, chill out and put my feet up with a few drinks…I’ve survived a Monday AND a Tuesday at work – Phew!  And I just don’t feel like thinking (or feeling) right now, I’m tired, laundry can wait, the book I’m reading can wait, calling my friend can wait, my photo projects can wait, brushing my cat can wait…This will be the last time.  The final drinks.  Tonight is the night – the last drinking night.  I’m really going to stop after tonight.  I will quit tomorrow and I’ll get back on track because I like how I feel when I’m sober.  So yes, tomorrow is the day.  Or maybe on Thursday.  Yeah, Thursday is good because it’s a crisp & clean number in the May calendar, the 15th, and it’s an odd number with a 5 in it, I want my quit date to have a 1 or a 3 or a 9 in it because apparently according to some psychic I saw 20 years ago, those are numerologically lucky numbers for me.  But wait, I have a dinner with friends on Saturday…and it’s a 3 day long weekend…ok ok ok ok, Tuesday then…Crap, I have a 4 day work event coming up which will involve lots of schmoozing with clients at cocktail parties and in fancy restaurants with unlimited booze, twice a day for 4 days straight…it’s going to have to be after that because there’s no way in hell that introvert, shy me can socialize sober with complete strangers…How about June 1st? Mmmm…sounds like a great date to quit…but I don’t know…it’s my 40th birthday not long after that date…that milestone deserves some toasting and celebration doesn’t it??? So in that case, I will completely quit drinking forever and ever the day after I turn 40 because I don’t want to live this way anymore and I really want to change and I need a new healthy lifestyle and I want to live my 40’s and beyond sober, without escaping into boozeland, I really want to be present and I desperately really want to finally keep a promise that I make to myself….And shit, I didn’t email Belle today to say I was sober, so based on my pattern she already knows I’ve been drinking, fuck, again…and I haven’t posted anything on my new blog in a few days so the whole sobersphere must know I’ve been drinking and God I feel like such a failure…But no one really knows, except me, it’s my little secret, just for me…But I promised myself I wouldn’t drink tonight!  I promised myself again that I wouldn’t drink anymore, no more, it’s over…I should really call my best friend right now because this thought process is dangerous territory and she’s often my saviour to talk me out of going down the rabbit hole…grrrrrrrrrr…Oh look…the corner store is right in front of me…how convenient…I should just walk by, don’t go inside dammit, just walk around the block, don’t go there…Screw this shit, fuck it, I’m exhausted from all this chatter bouncing around in my head, it’s so exhausting…and I really really really just want to zone out now, right now…Tomorrow is another day…”

My Pattern

When I am unfortunately stuck in that on-off boozy hamster wheel and I am drinking, this is what happens, this is my drinking pattern:

5:30pm – Buy 7 beers or a bottle of red wine + 1 beer on my way home from work; get home, crack the seal, have first gulp, then say hi to my cat (priorities…).

8:00pm – Realize that quantities are getting low but promise myself that I will take it easy.  I have to work tomorrow and should be productive.  Let’s try to be civilized shall we? Also start thinking that maybe I should eat something for dinner…grilled cheese sandwich, chips and cookies or take-out? Perfect!

8:30pm – Depending on my mood, any of these things can start to happen:  I pick up one of 3 or 4 started, but unfinished books, but don’t bother to even attempt to read because despite being an avid reader, I just keep re-reading the same paragraph over and over again, start posting stupid shit on Facebook (“social” media), zone out watching something on TV or Netflix that I won’t remember (I have to completely rewatch Game of Thrones and Downton Abbey…all seasons…I barely remember them…), babbling to my best friend on the phone ( I get very chatty when I drink, which is not usually the case for introvert me), get all nostalgic by listening to old music from my youth (alternative 80’s – Depeche Mode, New Order, The Smiths, The Cure, Sinead, Bjork etc…you know, all the happy stuff, lol…), reminisce about when and why my ex left me 5 years ago (not pretty), start missing my family who live nowhere near me, sit on my woe is me pity pot and cry, wish that I had a significant other in my life and that I didn’t feel so damn lonely, have feelings that I am an alcoholic (me?!) and that I’m a piece of useless shit. I hate my job, I wish I was doing something else that actually fulfilled me, can I please win the lottery…etc..etc…etc…

10:55pm – Briefly come out of my escape zone to run down to the corner store to buy ONE MORE beverage before they close.  Who cares if it’s Monday???

11:30pm – Flop into bed, making sure through one bleary eye that my 4 alarms (yes, 4!) are properly set on my phone.  Hope I don’t inadvertently turn them all off, which has happened before.  Head on pillow = Pass out.

4:00am – Wake up drenched in sweat, with a pasty, dry mouth, the beginnings of a headache, gurgling in my stomach and having to pee like a racehorse.  Get up, tinkle, drink a shitload of water with an Advil and flop back into bed.

6:05am – Start the “snooze” process with my 4 alarms, which usually lasts for 30-45 minutes, thinking “more…more sleep…pleeease….”.

6:40am-ish – Finally open my eyes, process the fact that I fucked up again.  Take note of the fact that I feel like a royal piece of shit physically, mentally and spiritually.  Vow that this is the last morning that I awake feeling like this, I will not drink ever again, this is the last day 1, NO MORE, NEVER AGAIN.  Last night really wasn’t that much fun at all.  I don’t remember bits & pieces.  Thank God I didn’t burn down the building by dozing off with a smoke between my fingers, my cat hates me because I ignored him all night, again,  what the hell did I say to my friend? Was I even coherent? What did I actually do last night???And what kind of crap did I post online…oh shit…I really really really have to stop drinking…I’m wasting so much time and this really isn’t fun anymore, it’s really not, it’s not worth it…Enough is enough, I just can’t go on with this…Universe please give me the strength to not drink tonight…PLEASE HELP ME…And then the crippling anxiety begins…

Yeah.  So that’s what happens to me when I drink.  Fucking depressing shit.  Seriously.

Can anyone relate?   Does this sound familiar to anyone besides me?

Honesty & feeling stuck

My first instinct this morning was to completely delete this blog entirely…

For 3 reasons:

1. I’m having writers block

2. I’m an introvert and super shy about sharing anything, let alone anonymously on a blog

3. I cracked 😦

I reminded myself that I’m not a quitter.  Even though I’m out of my comfort zone in many aspects.  Even though I keep falling down – I KEEP GETTING BACK UP.  I’m not giving up this fight, this battle will be won, one day.

My reasons for starting this blog are to have some kind of honesty and accountability, to have somewhere to put my thoughts out there, in a record of my journey (mostly for me, and if it helps someone else – awesome!), to maybe connect with other people who have also struggled with booze or who are still struggling with it.

I was going to delete the blog because I cracked. And was feeling tremendous amounts of anxiety about posting that unfortunate news.  I felt like a fraud, guilty, ashamed, like a weak loser that I gave in…again… Perhaps I should not have named this blog “The Very Last Day One” because evidently my first post did not turn out as I had desperately hoped, despite my very best intentions.

But let’s be realistic here.  Quitting drinking is not easy and the path to stopping is fraught with ups and downs, back and forths, stops and starts.  It’s generally not a perfect linear line from point A to point B, straight to the ultimate goal.  I want to be perfect…but I’m not perfect.  And getting sober is not all sunshine and roses and pink clouds. What I do know is that I have an incredibly strong desire to stop drinking – and I’m not giving up NO MATTER WHAT.

I realized about 4-5 years ago that my relationship with alcohol had become unhealthy.  I was stopping on my way home from work to pick up a 6-pack of beer or a bottle of wine every single day.  DAILY.  At the beginning, I would only drink 3-4 beers or 1/2 to 3/4 of the bottle of wine.  It didn’t take long that I was finishing that 6-pack or looking at the empty bottle of wine saying “Really? Already done?” Six beers or a bottle of wine escalated to not being enough.  I always wanted a little bit more and I had no issue with going out again at 10:30pm to get more.

Two years ago is when I really realized that this shit has to stop, that my potential, my self-esteem, my health, my money etc…were all literally going down the drain.  I tried moderation (ha!):  Only drink on weekends, only drink at work events, only drink while watching a hockey game (hey, I’m Canadian!), only drink on birthdays, holidays or special occasions blah blah blah.  Somehow the most mundane and boring Tuesday night always became a good excuse to drink.  As did Monday or Wednesday.  Wine O’Clock tick tock at 5:00pm on the dot.

I did a dry January in 2012 (drank again on Feb. 1 to celebrate my accomplishment), managed 56 days in February-March 2013, most recently went 20-something days til the end of April 2014…I’ve been stuck in a pattern for the last 2 years of short bursts of abstinence intertwined with bingeing: 3 days off, 1 day on, drink 1 day, 5 days off, drink for 2 days, 4 days no drinking, 4 days drinking, 6 days off.  In April this year, I was so proud of myself for getting to a Day 8! Which extended to 20-something days! And then I crashed and burned and seem to be getting into that fucking pattern again…(Please don’t kick me out of the 100 Day Challenge Belle, I’ll get there!)

I guess I’m what might be called a “high-functioning” drinker.  My quantities never (very rarely) exceed 1.5 bottles of wine or 7 beers, I’ve never had a DUI or been arrested, I’ve never found myself passed out on a sidewalk wondering where I am, I don’t currently have a significant other to piss off, I have no kids to expose my drunken buzzed-out behaviour to, I show up at work on time and do what I have to do, I’ve never been abused or experienced a traumatic incident, I have wonderful relationships with my family, siblings and close friends.  On the surface everything is fucking peachy, just bloody lovely. But inside of me it’s not. My soul is slowly drowning in an alcohol-soaked death…I drink too much for my comfort levels:  It’s not the quantity, it’s how it makes you feel.  And I’ve been feeling like shit for quite a while.  Before things progress too much, I want out.

I just really want to get off this hamster wheel, this rollercoaster ride of stopping and starting.  It’s so exhausting.  And I’ve felt how amazing life is when I’m present, when I’m sober, when I get some sober momentum going.  IT’S SO AMAZING. I’m at the point where I know I can stop.  The problem is STAYING STOPPED.

Even though I’m currently questioning this blogging thing, I’ll try to keep it up.  Therapy through words.  Join me if you will.  It’s my journey and I’m not perfect.  But I’m going to try my very best.

Nothing changes if nothing changes.

The Very Last Day One…

Day 1

I need to stop drinking.

Is this the very last day one?  I hope so.  I’ve had so many Day 1’s…Too many…

I hope this is the very last day that I wake up:

– with a hangover

– feeling groggy, foggy and woozy

– dehydrated with a dry mouth and fuzzy-feeling tongue

– feeling anxious, jittery and nervous

– feeling guilty, depressed, ashamed and filled with regret

Enough is enough.  I’m tired of it.  I’m sick of it.  I’m so fed up of being a slave to booze, feeling unhealthy and like shit, tired of poisoning myself with alcohol, tired of the wasted unproductive evenings, tired of disappointing myself…the list can go on and on…

I.Just.Can’t.Do.This.Anymore.

I’m joining the blogging sobersphere in the hopes that it will help me, somehow.  I have no idea if I’m cut out for this blogging stuff, but I’m going to give it a try.  It can’t hurt can it?

So if anyone happens to be reading this:

Hello.  I’m Susan.  Pleased to make your acquaintance.

Stay tuned.  Change is in the air.